Poisonous Thoughts

Again, sorry for the radio silence. I've officially been sick for 2 weeks. In my last post I talked about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...that was just a tease because I spent almost a whole additional day in bed trying to get better.

Currently I'm finally, FINALLY, symptomless. Of course, who knows what will happen tomorrow but for now I am celebrating my health.

Still I find myself a little discouraged tonight. Maybe it's because I've been off sick for so long but my workouts this week haven't seemed or felt as charged as usual. I don't know if that's the right way to put it. But, I just feel like I'm at the point where I think I'm working hard and making good choices but I'm still not getting the results I thought I'd get. I'm not sure if I'm being realistic or not at this point. Maybe for those last 10lbs or those last few inches you need to be even stricter and work that much harder than you have in the past. But I'm wondering if it's worth it.

Is it worth missing out on social functions? Is it worth the extra energy in planning meals and workouts? There are a lot more questions here. And I don't know if it's worth it? I should be happy with my body. It is strong! It is healthy! Shouldn't this be good enough? Why do I want more? Why do I feel like I need more? Why can't I stick to my plan if I think I want it that bad?

Just about every week I tell myself how things are going to be different. I set a goal or talk about a plan out loud. I get excited. Then somehow it fizzles and gets lost. I stopped trying to eat gluten free because it was so hard. Then I stopped thinking about the processed sugar in my diet. No I'm not eating fast foods and I'm still preparing just about all my meals but if I eat some bread, who cares? That little bit of store bought dressing doesn't matter, I'm too tired to make my own anyway. I was good this week, I deserve this night of sweets. All these little decisions are adding up, and I lose sight of my goals.

So I tell myself I'll start writing a food journal. And for two days I'll be really good about recording what I'm eating! Then I'll have a busy or stressful day and forget all about it.

Now I'm thinking about how on the flip side I overdo sometimes. I posted not too long ago how I needed to relax and find balance. Maybe this is just an extension of that conversation, just on the flip side of it.

I can't be too strict with myself and I can't get too lazy. How do I find the balance? If I'm not stressed from working too hard then I'm stressed about not working hard enough. There is that yo-yo tendency that every tells you to avoid.

I just want it to be easy! Ha. Don't we all.